Archive for December 2009
The sixty days
I thought that I am recovering… I thought I’m getting better… At least, that’s what I told everybody who asked me “How are doing?” which I simply replied “I’m feeling better…Tq..” and received a relieved smile on their concern (almost pity… I can tell) face that almost made me believed I AM feeling better….Until…
It’s been sixty days since I had that lost. (yes, i must count every single day since I’m in a confinement…well…half true.. I’m counting the days coz I still have spotting..i just can’t wait to get it over) But a week ago, after coming back from a short weekend trip to Malacca, I had heavy bleeding again, which I concluded that as a period.
But this is what worried me, I just had my 1st period last two week before that. Feeling anxious, (well, honestly I was s0 terrified + panic that I began to cried) I went to PMC (Putra Medical Centre) for a check up. Doctor Zarul seems to be puzzled by this, even during the scanning, he looked even more puzzled that he started to raised his eyebrow…after taking a deep breath, he said, maybe…just maybe…my last abortion isn’t complete, so this is a balance of it…or… (another) maybe that is a new miscarriage…
Is he kidding?
When I had my abortion last time at Hospital Selayang (HS), the doctor there had confirmed it was a complete abortion..then, two weeks after, I even went for a follow up with Dr. Zarul, just to make sure everything was ok. He..himself told me, my abortion was complete and I’m all ready for the next menstrual, which I already had.
New miscarriage?
I am speechless.
For a while I thought I want to burst into tears but instead, I hold them as to asked him for more details coz I really dont understand what is goin on. Its like I’m on another planet that I cant understand his words. But he repeated the same thing like he was a tape recorder. He advise me to do dnc to be safe or I’ll be bleeding forever. Another option, he will refer me back to HS.
My legs all feeling wobble while my husband still on the way from his office. I sat on the corner of the waiting room, looking into an empty space. Actually, the space is not empty, but I am. I called my friend, Nornor, without anywords, for thirty seconds, all she could hear from me was my tears drop onto my bag. I cried even louder while explaining to her….
I dont know what to think. What make my tears falls like Niagara falls? Is it guilty? Sadness? Sorrow? Depressed? Am I abnormal? Terrified? …shock? of course shock! If there’s one thing I really dont get to know right now, it’s my biology.
