So, as you can guess my groceries shopping list will be extra RM this month. That  included salmon cut, which I always loved since I first had them at Ikea. (Only people closed to me know i don’t eat fish other than mom’s home cooked, well, at least before I had that amazing salmon)

After taking a good rest a while at home, I started to work at my tiny kitchen,  peeling potatoes and carrot and cut them into cubes.

sayur

The potatoes got half boiled before i put them in the oven and let it bake with a chunck of butter for a while.

melted butter on kentang already made me drooling

Next, i got my carrot and broccoli ready in the steamer pot after seasoning with salt.

steam vege

I don’t actually have any specific recipe but I kinda remember something from Jamie and Laura Calder, how they made it look so easy and taste good at the same time. One thing I remembered well was basil or parsley works well with fish.

So, after I got my salmon cut cleaned and pat them with salt and pepper then sprinkle with basil and parsley herb. I also rub anchovies to the salmon before drizzle them with olive oil.

salmon ready to be in NEW oven..hehehe

After I the potatoes almost done in the oven, I place the salmon cut on top of them and  juz before i started to bake them in 3 mins i drizzle them once more with infused basil olive oil.

Meanwhile, I get the tomato gravy heated on the stove.

It worked.

Baked salmon wonderful aroma lingered in the kitchen which I  immediately served them with steamed carrot and broccoli as side dishes. I also drizzle them with extra salmon lovely broth which combined perfectly together.

yum yum

salmon with tomato gravy

Hmm…looked good didn’t they? Taste amazingly delicious too! Ehem! Ehem! Not that I’m proud or what, but my husband just can’t stop saying how delicious it was! For a while i felt like Laura Calder…kekekeke….

As a final dressing, I also finished them with lemon wedge which surprisingly add the tanginess taste to complete the combination of herbs & tomato that satisfied my taste bud. Yummy!

but..just before that…

Ok, its not like what u think, i mean..shopping craze in the beginning of the new year doesn’t reflect any of my new year resolution (which i considered myself lucky for nt to have time to post about them..hehehe) but the things is..charles & keith are so tempting…i felt like buying all of them…!

charles & keith at Mid Valley

Seriously! Be it shoes…or bags…hmmm…yummy…

And the thing was..i just didn’t just got my handbag, I also got my new purse! As zul asked bout what happen to my old purse I quickly answered I’m getting a new one anyway…(while showing my old purse which didn’t look so bad actually..)

But as soon as Zul said okkk…, i cant help but felt helplessly guilty…( the secret was, I actually already got another purse, bought just before the one im using right now…and i never got a chance to use that one yet…)

Let’s see what I got then…

new bag n new shoes..ehem2!

gembiranya dpt beg baru..hehehe

another bag that I luv! im having a difficult choice between this and the one i bought..but since i always need a bigger one..hmm..maybe next month? pls no one tell zul about this!

OKKK….I AM TIRED  OF ALL THOSE DENIAL..I’M GOING TO DO THIS ONCE AND FOR ALL.. I AM A SHOPAHOLIC! Phew..what a relieved! I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulder…

ok thats it. I am who I am. I’m done. Full stop.dot.daa.oh..shut up! bye

Asian Mona...lijah? hehehe

We (me, zul n my sister) went for Da Vinci exhibition held at Pusat Sains, Bukit Kiara last sunday. It was last day  then…(malaysian…so typical…last minute only want to go)…

The exhibition was ok…I’m expecting more on the architectural but to my disappointment there was more on his engineering invention….but at least I get to know Monalisa better…in me…! hehehe

cupcake

Suprisingly, i felt so calm and relax doing this decorating thing, it almost felt like my kindergarden  years where I can draw anything without being worried of how good or bad it’s gonna look like. For a while, I can ease my mind from the cloudy feeling….

Well, honestly they are not perfect…but i enjoyed doing it so much, therefore, i hope even this is the first time, lets hope its not the last…

Hint: I’m going to my mum’s this weekend!

It’s been sixty days since I had that lost. (yes, i must count every single day since I’m in a confinement…well…half true.. I’m counting the days coz I still have spotting..i just can’t wait to get it over) But a week ago, after coming back from a short weekend trip to Malacca, I had heavy bleeding again, which I concluded that as a period.

But this is what worried me, I just had my 1st period last two week before that. Feeling anxious, (well, honestly I was s0 terrified + panic that I began to cried) I went to PMC (Putra Medical Centre) for a check up. Doctor Zarul seems to be puzzled by this, even  during the scanning, he looked even more puzzled that he started to raised his eyebrow…after taking a deep breath, he said, maybe…just maybe…my last abortion isn’t complete, so this is a balance of it…or… (another) maybe that is a new miscarriage…

Is he kidding?

When I had my abortion last time at Hospital Selayang (HS), the doctor there had confirmed it was a complete abortion..then, two weeks after, I even went for a follow up with Dr. Zarul, just to make sure everything was ok. He..himself told me, my abortion was complete and I’m all ready for the next menstrual, which I already had.

New miscarriage?

I am speechless.

For a while I thought I want to burst into tears but instead, I hold them as to asked him for more details coz I really dont understand what is goin on. Its like I’m on another planet that I cant understand his words. But he repeated the same thing like he was a tape recorder. He advise me to do dnc to be safe or I’ll be bleeding forever. Another option, he will refer me back to HS.

My legs all feeling wobble while my husband still on the way from his office. I sat on the corner of the waiting room, looking into an empty space. Actually, the space is not empty, but I am. I called my friend, Nornor, without anywords, for thirty seconds, all she could hear from me was my tears drop onto my bag. I cried even louder while explaining to her….

I dont know what to think. What make my tears falls like Niagara falls? Is it guilty? Sadness? Sorrow? Depressed? Am I abnormal? Terrified? …shock? of course shock! If there’s one thing I really dont get to know right now, it’s my biology.

the book is full of surprise that you would never thought it’ll be in the first place…it’s very pleasant & delightful…and as for the heroin….well, of course sophie kinsella has create  her so witty and dreamy and hillarious! I mean, even herself are full of surprise  too.

Sophie Kinsella….please make a seqeul for this book…I know it’ll be lots of fun! Please…please…please…! i really hope this book will make a great movie! just like the shopaholic…! I knew it sound lame, but I can’t help but imagine Isla Fisher as Lara!
I just think she’s perfect as any of Shophie’s heroine….

so aku pun berjinak2 msk forum….tgk ader tak org yg senasib ngn aku…ramai sebenarnya..Alhamdulillah…dpt jugak aku pinjam kekuatan dorang…sebab bile aku cite kt dorang, they are all very supportive…sebab dorang rasa apa yg aku rasa…ini antara yg aku share kt forum tu dgn teman yg senasib….

“semenarnya sy tgh mc lagi…nex week br start keje….

semenarnya jugak, sy da stat keje 2 minggu lps….sy pun sm cam myluv…2 org bestfren sy kt pun opiz preggy….kitorang g cek up sama2…sy phm mcm mna rsnya dulu kita ngn bestfren hepi2 kita cite psl bb and suddenly we not….

ms 1st day sy keje pas cuti seminggu (dr. bg mc semiggu jer memula), bergenang mata sy tgk perut dorang makin bsr, tp sy kuatkan semangat psl tak nak dorang jauhkan diri dr sy….sy still hepi tgk dorang preggy n sy doakan dorang suma slamat bersalin..sy psn kt dorang jg diri n bb baik2..biar sy sorang jer merasa pahitnya kehilangan…

tp…walaupun org nmpk mcm kuat…bile time dpn pc…tetibe jer air mata slalu berlinang…pemurah sgt…tp sy thn esak tak bg org dgr….keje langsung tak bole fokus…mcm2 di fikiran, projek sy pun pas kt org lain…siap ckp kt bos, i need a break, i x bole pg site or meeting sbb i tak ready…i ckp kang ader yg dpn client tetibe nagis…

nasib baik dia phm..dia soh cool dn 2-3 bln..in fact dia appologize sbb sblm ni byk bergantung kt sy..(yer la, suma pojek na soh handle, aku lak jenis suka challenge.. accept je suma) tu la mslhnya…sy fikir sy tak reti cool dn…ms peknen pun kj overnite cam biasa….mayb thats y bos pun rs guilty….

so…br kje 2-3 ari da x lrt na keje..da la x fokus…ader dateline lak ari rabu..(sy kena rush jugak tu) sudahnya, ari khamis mc lagi…psl bdn still lemah, bleeding byk, rushing lak…ari jumaat trus bos soh amik mc lagi seminggu…

sblm tu besrfren sy ckp,sy ni kuat betul, psl bole dtg opiz lagi (dia mksdkan sanggup tgk dorang peknen) dia kt, kalo dia, mmg dia takkan dtg keje psl kt opiz ader 2 org lain peknen…

dlm hati aku pulak pk…kalo aku tak kuat semgt, takkan na putus kwn kot…hehehe terfikir gak siap na migrate suma…klakarkan..?”

hmmm….tah camne la agaknya aku na keje minggu dpn…pjm mata jer la…mt aku mmg sepet pun…

I woke up with a big smile on my face, knowing I’ll be seeing my bb that day, as it was my first antenatal check up as my pregnancy had reached 3 month.

I’m so excited, we even skipped breakfast that morning. As we reached Pusrawi medical centre, I waited patiently for my turn. I heard my name called and quickly rush to the doctor’s room. As I expected, it was dr. Zarina from Kohilal, ( I went there once for pregnancy advise), and we chat about my pregnancy.

And then…as I lay in the bed for baby scanning, I still wear that smiley face, until…

“I’m sorry…your baby didn’t grow…there’s no heart beat…”

For a moment…I was like… numb…tergamam…tetiba terasa ade kepulan awan di sekeliling ku…mcm bermimpi…and my mind went blank…. (this is my previous post: for a full story, kindly klik the above title – Tremendous loss)

So, there’s a first phase (well, I dont count crying as a phase, yet) denial.

Especially my husband (or maybe he just trying to comfort me) he insisted we go for a second opinion. But I can’t think at that time as all I remember was, for couple of days before I don’t have trouble going to toilet (yes, pregnancy coz you a lot of trouble in toilet). It occurred to me, maybe… that was a sign. A sign that I ignored. Another sign was, before that ( I cant remember when) I felt the pain in my stomach, and my ass too. Again, I ignored the sign. Actually more to comforting myself that is part of morning sickness or what so ever pregnancy problem….

And so, as i cried and cried and cried at home, I finally had the courage to called my mom, told her everything what happened. She said she wanted to come to me, instead I said I’l be at her’s. After a while as my head can think clearly, we went for a second clinic before heading to my mum’s. And the result is the same, I had lost my baby…

As Godwill, on the very same day,in the evening, I had my first bleeding. (Suhaila said it’s called spotting as it’s a line of blood) I cried when I saw it.  Now I really think this is a clear sign that my baby is gone…

Now, apart from sadness, I’m terrifying..should I do dnc or let it happen naturally…as I’m afraid if I dont do dnc, it will effect my future pregnancy, or God knows if it’ll become something else in me…cancer ker…nauzubillah!

So, after getting advise from my friend (Suhaila, she’s a gov dr. and she herself has experience of miscarriage) the next day we went to Hospital Selayang for an advise. It was comforting to know that it’s unnecessary to do dnc as the bb will definitely abort himself. Dr. said:

“Allah cipta kita ni sempurna, kalo bb tak sempurna, dia akan gugur sendiri, jadi tak perlu buat dnc pun tak per. Sy bg awk ms 2 minggu, kalo tak gugur jugak, baru dtg balik dan baru kita buat dnc”

And so I decided to wait….

And I swear I never….ever…never…complaint about how dull my work routine again. Now that I have all the opportunity to climb to the next level, to face the new challenge I’ve been dreaming of all my life, it didn’t occurred to me it’s going to be this hard. (I have a lot of presentation which I’m excited about compared to documentation stage)  I’m working both last weekend, juggling time for my Hubby and sister birthday ( Happy Birthday Zul & K Min! not to forget to Syafique, fellow blogger) and rumah…. Jgn citer la, tak sempat langsung na mengemas…Masak..? Da sebulan aku tak masak properly…

Talking about house, yup my house are officially sold. That’s y I’m taking leave (ehem, replacement as I work on weekend) today, as we are going to sign house agreement. Thinking bout it make me crying deep inside. I always love this house. But to have  to let her go, makes me heartbroken…

But I have to be strong, a house hunting is always fun. Actually our family hobbies is visiting showhouse, so, of course we have shortlisted our new house gonna be, probably Damansara, or at the skirting of Hartamas, Bukit Prima Pelangi  (just simply because I can’t afford hartamas…hehehe) both are near to our workplace, which complete the main reason why we are moving. Maybe someday I’ll update about them.

Owh! I have to go now, it’s time to go and sign that agreement! Wish me gud luck guys!

p/s: Minta maaf bebanyak coz tak sempat na singgah kt blog kengkawan ( yes, i know u check my visits via blogmeter, sitemeter or thermometer…whatever…I do too! hehehe) apatah lagi na update, byk cite yg na kongsi…till we meet again…